Portals

Lately, businesses insist you conduct all communication with them through a Portal. In my mind, a Portal was a magic door to fantastical places, teeming with fairies, glowing forests, and bliss. Mythical experiences and realms awaited on the other side.

Clearly, I was wrong.

Today’s Portal is simply where businesses store your paperwork and hide from their annoying clients.

Portals eliminate the inconvenience of human contact. No phone trees. No excruciating hold music that sounds filtered through a bathtub. No sympathy filled voice trying to actually help you. Instead, every road leads to the Portal.

All hail the omnipotent Portal.

The Portal knows all.

The Portal sees all.

The faithful are commanded to check the Portal (but don’t forget your password).

Don’t misunderstand, I love technological advancements!  My phone unlocks by looking at me, my watch nags my activity level. My car zaps me if my eyes wander. Yet, somehow, a simple question to a doctor’s office now requires a pilgrimage to the Portal. Tech makes our lives easier, people make it tolerable. A soothing voice on the other end of the line can go a long way toward easing the irritation of life’s inevitable bumps.

Case in point: I am a new patient. I had some follow-up questions and I called the office. After a winding trail of transfers, each person reminded me that communication is always best through the Portal.

Questions? Portal.

Test results? Portal.

Need reassurance? Portal.

Salvation? Probably Portal.

I had a follow-up appointment, which the doctor needed to reschedule. They called me to do so, and we talked about me coming in instead of a Zoom call.

Three emails. Two text messages. One voicemail. Every single message confidently informed me the appointment would be a Zoom visit. Naturally, I went to the Portal.  The Portal itself in bold, glowing letters, proclaimed my Zoom appointment. The Portal had spoken.

At the appointed time, I dialed in and waited. And waited and waited. Fifteen minutes later, the doctor’s office called me and wanted to know if I was coming in for my appointment. Apparently, the Portal and the staff were no longer on speaking terms. I relayed the messages I’d been sent and they were irritated that I had not come in.

Eventually, the doctor joined the call, wanting to know what happened. I relayed the messages again and the response was, “Well, you should have called…”

Apparently, the Portal works in mysterious ways.